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  ‘Six.’

  My heart dropped.

  ‘So I’m just number seven?’

  ‘No’ she said firmly ‘you were special.’

  We’d never had any kind of conversation about the nature of our relationship but somehow, that’s what I’d believed. That I was special to her. Because she was special to me. But if she’d done this over and over again, then I wasn’t special, just the latest.

  We hadn’t said anything in a while so I thought perhaps I should leave. Julia appeared to have nothing further to say but as I stood, it seemed to push her to speak.

  ‘Penny, listen to me. I didn’t tell you about any of this because I knew how you’d feel, that you’d just think you were like any of the others and you weren’t. You made me feel like I was better than that now because you saw me that way, as someone good. That meant to something to me, the way you saw me. So I couldn’t tell you because I never wanted you to look at me the way you are now.’

  She stopped talking and the strength seemed to go out of her. She’d never spoken to me like this, so painfully vulnerable. There’d always been a wall there. But I couldn’t hear any more, it was agony to listen to her. I got up to leave.

  ‘Don’t go.’

  ‘I’ve got to.’

  I began to walk toward the door and I thought she was going to let me go without further argument but then then I felt her behind me and she was holding onto my shoulders, pressing her head to my back. I could feel her trembling.

  ‘I love you’ she whispered.

  I stopped at the door but I couldn’t turn round. I’d been in love with her since I’d seen her write her name on the board on day one of term. I hadn’t known at the time that that’s what the feeling was, but everything that had happened since then had been a development of that gut instinct and it had just gotten deeper and stronger until it had been screaming inside me. But I’d held it back in case she didn’t feel the same. All I’d wanted was for her to say it to me so that I could say it back. So that I could breathe. It was the only thing I’d wanted and now she’d said it at the worst possible moment. Hearing it brought me no comfort now.

  I was still facing the door while she held onto me. We stood in that position for a moment and I felt resentment begin to rise up in me until I couldn’t hold it inside anymore. I turned suddenly.

  ‘You love me?’

  ‘There’s no reason for you to believe that-’

  ‘Why are you saying this now? Because you might get sacked? Because I’m all you’ve got left?!’

  She was shocked at my anger and I knew it was because she’d never seen it before. But it had risen once today for Will and I found it easier to come by this time round.

  ‘No. I’m sorry, I should have told you before. I didn’t know for a long time that it’s how it felt. This wasn’t the right time.’

  She looked genuinely contrite but it didn’t matter. I was furious with her. I think I was angry because she’d made me fall in love with her and now I realised that I didn’t really know who she was. Even if every moment between us had been honest, she’d spoiled it.

  ‘If you’d told me about those girls before, it might have been OK. I might have understood. But now I don’t know if I can trust anything you say.’

  I turned to leave but she grabbed me and held onto me so that I had to face her. I was a little shocked.

  ‘Let me go, Julia.’

  ‘No, we’re not finished-’

  I pulled out of her grasp.

  ‘Why not? What can you possibly do to fix this?’

  She seemed at a loss for moment. I could tell that she felt out of control and that it was unfamiliar and frightening for her.

  ‘I don’t know, but I know this can’t be it. I know that you’ve felt everything I have.’

  ‘Are you talking about sex?’

  ‘No-‘

  ‘Isn’t that all this is? Isn’t that all it ever was between you and Lucy and every other one of those girls? And now me?’

  ‘No! It was different with us. Not just sex. You must have felt that.’

  ‘How would I know? I was a virgin when we met. I don’t know the difference. Is that what you were counting on? That I’d think it was love and keep coming back for more?’

  She shook her head heatedly.

  ‘No. You know it was never like that-‘

  And then I grabbed her face and kissed her, pushing her back until she fell back on the sofa. I climbed on top of her and pushed my lips onto hers and our kissing felt like a battle. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was angry at her, maybe even hated her in that moment, and that meant I was not supposed to want her. But my blood was boiling with anger and it wasn’t so far away from that first time, at the retreat. I felt confused. I wanted to hurt her but I needed something else from her too.

  I pulled her skirt down roughly and then grabbed at her knickers, tearing them. Julia looked at me shocked but I could see it wasn’t unwelcome, this roughness.

  ‘Is this what you want?’

  She didn’t speak. She just grabbed my head and pushed it down and I pushed my tongue inside her and she moaned in a pleasure I’d never heard, arousal tinged with sadness. I kept thrusting my tongue inside and then I moved up her body and slid my teeth along her neck, nipping the flesh below her jawline. She gasped but I felt her grab hold of me.

  ‘Don’t stop.’

  I ran my hand down her body and I felt my fingers scratch her stomach viciously but I didn’t care and she didn’t protest. I pushed my fingers inside her and I began to slide them in and out furiously. He body pushed against my hand, grinding at it, trying to get closer. I felt her convulse in ecstasy and then I was moving up her body, pulling my jeans and knickers down to my ankles. I climbed onto her face, pushing myself down on her mouth and I felt her tongue against me, dancing over my aching arousal. I quickly began to come but then I realised I was crying.

  ‘This is all you want, isn’t it?’

  I rocked my body against her mouth, feeling her taking me into her mouth, sucking at my throbbing clitoris. I felt myself quaking and then I climaxed with a ferocity I’d never known. And then it was over. I climbed off her and stood, shocked at what we’d done, that it could ever be like this. I began to pull my jeans up and Julia sat up. She didn’t look at me. I walked out of the house and fled down the street.

  Chapter 17

  I was thinking about that last time with Penny, several weeks ago. My head spun as I tried to understand how we’d torn into each other like that. We’d slept together countless times in the past few months, in many ways and many places, but never like that. She’d been so angry and I’d been trying to hold onto her even though I knew it was useless. It had been desperate, exhilarating, sad. And now I might never see her again.

  I understood her anger with me completely. Because I knew that the source of her anger was love, the same love I felt. And I’d undermined it with my past. Then I’d compounded it with a lie of omission. Had she been right? If I’d told her everything before she’d found out for herself, would she have forgiven me? I thought that was unlikely and a naïve assumption on her part. I knew Penny. I knew that she had placed me on a pedestal and I’d fallen off it. It didn’t matter how far. I’d fallen and that was what counted.

  I thought about Lucy, last year’s conquest. I’d believed that it had ended amicably but thinking back, I realised there had been some red flags that I’d chosen to ignore. After the last few times I’d been with her, she’d tried to ask questions about my private life and I knew that she was trying to turn it into something real. It had only spurred me to end things though, thinking it kinder in the long run. I thought I’d nipped things in the bud before she got attached but clearly, I’d missed that deadline. I was upset about what had happened between me and Penny but I felt there was nothing I could do about it. I’d lost her. But I didn’t want to keep sitting on my sofa trying to hang on to a feeling of her, of how it had felt to be with her. I had to mov
e, to do something. I decided to track down Lucy. Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix things with her, to get her to withdraw the complaint.

  I walked into the halls of residence, feeling conspicuous. Luckily, I’d found it in a lull. There was no one to be seen and I could go freely to Lucy‘s room without being spotted. I’d never been there before as visiting a student in their dorms seemed like a ridiculous risk and not one I would have taken previously, but a sympathetic contact in the Medford housing office had given me her address so I decided that face to face was the way to handle it. I had dressed in my work clothes: a tight grey pencil skirt paired with a silver blouse that clung in all the right places. I looked good. I hoped to evoke pleasant memories of last year for Lucy with my outfit choice, to incline her to be lenient.

  I knocked on Lucy’s door and waited uneasily. It seemed like she wasn’t at home and I was about to leave when the door opened a crack. Lucy looked astounded to see me but quickly hid it.

  ‘What do you want?’

  ‘Can I come in for a second?’

  She sighed but opened the door to let me in and I entered quickly, wanting to get out of the hallway. It was a standard dorm room, one single bed and desk and posters on the wall. Lucy closed the door behind me.

  ‘How long has it been since we’ve seen each other? What, at least a year? You wouldn’t even reply to my texts and then boom, you get suspended and here you are.’

  I’d come here to persuade her to drop the complaint but I started to feel irritated as soon as she opened her mouth. I remember now how much she liked to talk. Even during sex, she wouldn’t shut up, although I hadn’t minded it too much then. It was funny to have that memory of her at this moment. Overlaid with the current situation, I nearly started laughing but I was able to push it away. I put the urge down to nerves at having to have what was no doubt going to be one of the most awkward conversations of my life.

  ‘Lucy, I’ve come here to ask you to have mercy on me.’

  I was going for abject contrition, it seemed the only way out. I could tell that it was the right move, she seem delighted that things were going this way. I thought that perhaps she’d pictured this very moment and I was going to do my best to live up to her imaginings.

  ‘You want me to have mercy on you? Did you have mercy on me when you dropped me like I was nothing to you?’

  I sighed. She wasn’t going to make this easy.

  ‘Lucy-‘

  ‘I thought you liked me because you took me to bed. But I thought about it and all you did was use me like some kind of sex doll. I barely got any attention. It was all about you.’

  That perked my interest. Had she just given me an out?

  ‘Is that what’s upsetting you? That I didn’t give you enough in bed?’

  ‘No!’

  She paused.

  ‘Well, I mean, maybe that was part of it.’

  I could see then that there was something I could do, right here and now, to fix the Lucy problem. Something that would make her feel like she’d gotten the best of me.

  ‘I’m sorry that I did that. Looking at you now, I can’t think why I wasn’t… worshipping you like I should have. I mean, you’re gorgeous.’

  Was that laying it on too thick? No, she was trying to suppress a smile. I had her. I took a step toward her and she didn’t move back. Then I told her a flat out lie.

  ‘You were the hottest I ever had.’

  She was starting to blush.

  ‘You made me come like no one else.’

  ‘Did I?’

  I nodded as though the admission were embarrassing. She licked her lips like I was a delicious treat and that was when it became more than a trick. It was what I needed. It would clear Penny from my mind. It would just be sex, like the old days. Love would have no place in it. The focus might be on Lucy this time but I’d still take something I needed from her.

  Lucy turned to the door and locked it and I feigned innocence at the move, as though I didn’t know I’d be giving her the time of her life in a matter of minutes.

  ‘Why are you locking the door?’

  ‘Because you’re going to give me everything that I want, Miss Hawke.’

  I kept up my innocent act. If this was how she wanted to play, I was happy to oblige.

  ‘Am I?’

  She put her hands on her hips, considering me, her quarry.

  ‘Yes. I’m going to tell you exactly what to do and you’re going to do it perfectly. And if you’re really good, I’ll reward you.’

  I smiled and nodded, shyly acquiescent.

  ‘Ok then. Use me however you want.’

  She liked that. She pulled her dress up over her head and she was naked and ready in a matter of seconds. I grabbed hold of her and kissed her ardently. She tasted sweet. She tasted like simplicity. I leaned into her ear and lowered my voice to a hushed, begging tone.

  ‘Tell me what you want. Anything.’

  She pushed me back and went over to her desk, bending over it slowly and spreading her legs, presenting me with her bottom.

  ‘Lick it. Slowly.’

  I took a moment to let her anticipation build and then I went to her, bending over her naked body and using my hands to part her cheeks, pushing my face in. When I felt the hole with my tongue, she squealed and I began to move in measured circular patterns around the rim. She giggled with lewd joy. I put my hands on her ample breasts, grabbing hold of them as I tongued her.

  ‘Oh my god, just like that!’ she growled.

  I escalated the speed as I squeezed her nipples and she was screaming with every lap. God knows what the neighbours thought, but I didn’t care. They weren’t my neighbours.

  Lucy suddenly stopped shrieking.

  ‘That’s enough.’

  I pulled my face away and she got up and walked over to her bedside table. She pulled out a strap-on.

  ‘Put this on and finish me. And don’t stop until I’m done.’

  I raised a shocked eyebrow like the naïf I was pretending to be, but I was game. She lay back on the bed, handing me her toy. I was still fully dressed and I began to slip my skirt off.

  ‘Don’t take off anything else.’

  As I had suspected, the ‘professor’ attire played a big part in this fantasy. I dropped the skirt but left on the tights, shoes and blouse. I attached her toy and began to climb onto the bed on my knees. She lifted her legs up, desperate for me. I positioned myself against the back of her legs, with her feet resting on my shoulders and grabbed her hips, pulling her bottom toward me. I slid slowly in and began to move, leisurely at first.

  ‘Is this how you like it?’

  ‘God yes.’

  I moved inside her with deliberate movements, holding the pace. She squirmed with delight.

  ‘Faster. Deeper.’

  I drove the toy in further and quickened my pace, feeling her legs tighten around my head as she began to chant ‘Oh god, oh god, OH GOD.’

  I kept up the motion, gripping onto her hips for dear life as she bucked and writhed, kneading her own breasts, her eyes squeezed shut.

  ‘Harder!’

  I thrusted at her furiously until she came with a throaty howl. Her legs slid down and I stopped, weary from the effort but fulfilled from the sense of a job well done. I pulled out the toy and looked down at Lucy. She was flush with satisfaction, hopefully in all senses. She’d gotten to have my attentions one last time and held all the power in the situation, which I knew was what she wanted. I could only hope she would give me the same and withdraw her complaint. I undid the straps and slipped out of the toy. As it fell to my feet, I had a bad feeling in my stomach. I didn’t want to think about what it meant.

  Lucy was under the covers now, her hands behind her head, watching me.

  ‘Are you going?’

  I raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Unless there’s anything else I can do for you?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘No, that was enough, thank you.’

 
‘And did I follow your instructions correctly?’

  ‘Definitely.’

  ‘So I get my reward?’

  She gave a slow smile.

  ‘We’ll see.’

  However she wanted to play this moment, I knew she’d do exactly what I wanted. How could she not? I was Julia Hawke, the ‘sex goddess’ of Medford and she’d just made me her plaything. That would be worth a lot to her.

  ‘I hope your new little sex doll won’t mind about this.’

  I didn’t say anything. I just walked out.

  I skulked through the hall to the elevator and pushed the button. I waited anxiously, my desire not to be spotted was at a high. At last, the doors pinged open and I stepped in to find myself right in front of Penny. We looked at each other awkwardly before we both turned to face the doors.

  It was the worst moment I could have seen her. Only minutes ago, I’d been giving Lucy the business end of her sex toy and now I was having to stand next to Penny, love of my life. It didn’t feel good.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hello.’

  A long pause followed and then she asked tentatively, ‘You didn’t come here to see me, did you?’

  She sounded hopeful, as though maybe she wanted that to be the case and I almost told her I had but after all that had happened, I couldn’t lie to her again.

  ‘No, I’m sorry. I came to talk to Lucy, to ask her to withdraw the complaint.’

  Penny paused. I knew she was thinking about the fact I’d just been alone in a room with someone I’d had sex with in the past. I didn’t want her to ask what had happened. I had this horrible feeling I was going to tell her everything. But luckily, she didn’t probe.

  ‘Is she going to do it?’

  ‘She’s considering it.’

  Another pause.

  ‘Do you know she wasn’t the only complainant?’

  I turned to face her, utterly thrown.

  ‘I’m sorry, I never got the chance to tell you…’

  She trailed off there and I knew she was thinking about that last time. The incident was a heavy presence in the elevator for a moment.