The a to Z of Girlfriends Read online

  The A to Z of Girlfriends

  By

  Natasha West

  Copyright © 2018 by Natasha West

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  One

  Izzy Mortimer was getting married in an hour. Probably.

  She was, on the date of her wedding, thirty years old. On the face of it, it was a good age to take the plunge. She wasn’t a knocked up eighteen-year-old, daddy’s shotgun forcing her and her love up the aisle before her waters broke. She was a woman with a career, an almost paid off Vauxhall Astra and a premium Spotify account. So why did she feel like a kid right now? Why did she feel like she was about to take an exam she wasn’t prepared for?

  It wasn’t about the woman in question, Izzy’s wife-to-be. Far from it. This wasn’t about how madly in love she was. She would have passed that test with flying colours.

  The problem was that she wasn’t really sure whether or not the getting married part was a good idea. Because being in love wasn’t always enough, as Izzy could attest. Being in love did not protect you from a disastrous break-up a few years from now. What if circumstances created a gap between them? What if they grew apart? What if one of them cheated? These things happened, as well Izzy knew from every other relationship that had gone disastrously wrong. The big difference was if this relationship didn’t work out she wouldn’t just get dumped, she’d be a divorcee. A divorcee. Who would want that title? No one. Her parents had fought tooth and nail to avoid that result and they’d arrived in different cars today anyway, driven from different houses, where they’d woken up with different people.

  So what were the odds she’d make it? How likely was it that - with romantic dysfunction in her blood - she’d come up smiling?

  This was the whole problem. She felt ill prepared. How could she walk down the aisle in an hour and get married to the love of her life knowing that, in all probability, she didn’t have the emotional toolkit to make it work?

  Izzy felt her heart beating loud and fast as she looked at herself in the full-length mirror of her hotel room, which sat on top of the ballroom she was going to get married in. Her dark blonde hair was pinned in a princess braid, her face made up nicely, and she was wearing a white gown. She knew it took some nerve to wear that colour today - she wasn’t exactly a snow-white virgin - but white meant fresh and Izzy wanted that. A new start. If she could just get herself downstairs in a fit state to say, ‘I do.’ That started with a normal heartbeat. She took a deep breath and clutched a hand to her chest, telling the errant organ to calm the fuck down.

  ‘Sis, are you all right?’ Simon asked.

  ‘Oh, fine. Yeah. Breezy’ Izzy said, bent double.

  ‘Jesus, Iz. Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest day of your life? Take a chill pill, would you? It’s a wedding. You’re not going to the gallows.’

  ‘You say that. But if I have a stress induced heart attack and peg out on the alter, what’s the difference?’

  Simon stood next to his sister and checked his tie in the mirror. ‘Don’t exaggerate. You’re getting married in a hotel. It doesn’t have an altar.’

  Izzy gave him a thumbs up as she straightened up. ‘Helpful as ever, brother.’

  ‘What’s up? Are you having doubts or something?’ Simon asked.

  ‘Not like you mean’ Izzy told him.

  ‘Then what?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m just… What if I mess this up? What if I get it wrong?’

  ‘Get what wrong?’

  ‘Everything.’

  Simon sighed and went over to the window, leaning against the sill. ‘Sis, if there’s one thing I know about you, you don’t get anything wrong.’

  ‘That’s not true’ Izzy said, throwing him a cynical look.

  ‘It is. Little Miss Perfect. Always the planner, always prepared. This is no different.’

  ‘That’s the thing. I don’t know if any of that’s gonna help me today.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because there are some things you can’t prepare for.’

  ‘Name one thing you’ve ever gotten wrong’ Simon said, rolling his eyes.

  Izzy looked at the clock on the wall. Still fifty-five minutes to go. Time enough to explain to her brother exactly what she meant. ‘Do you remember Ben?’

  ‘Ben?’

  ‘My boyfriend when I was eighteen.’

  ‘Oh yeah. That guy’ Simon said with a laugh. ‘The poor bastard. He was barking up the wrong tree, wasn’t he?’

  ‘Yeah, well, that’s my point.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘That you can plan your life as much as you like. But it doesn’t mean shit when you get down to it.’

  2006:

  ‘Are we friends or not?’

  Two

  ‘OK, so I’m gonna start out with Sexyback, Justin. That one’s easy’ Izzy said, lying back on her bed, the cord from her parents’ bedroom phone stretched to the limit. This wasn’t a call she wanted prying ears to hear but her phone was out of credit, so it was landline or nothing.

  ‘Alright’ her best friend Alicia Coleman replied, only half listening.

  ‘And then I thought I’d go for a classic. 2 Become 1, Spice Girls’ Izzy went on, glancing at her poster of the girl band on her wall above the bed. No one listened to the Spice Girls anymore, but Izzy still loved them. Especially Sporty.

  ‘Izzy, are you sure you need to go to all this trouble?’ Alicia breathed. ‘I don’t think Ben’s gonna care what’s coming out of your speakers.’

  ‘This is my virginity we’re talking about’ Izzy stage whispered into the phone. She wasn’t totally certain her fourteen-year-old brother Simon didn’t have his ear to the door. He’d been known to do it before, the little sneak. ‘It needs to be perfect. And that means the perfect playlist. And candles. And underwear that doesn’t come from a multipack’ she said, anxiously. Just talking about this was stressing her out.

  Alicia sighed. ‘You know, when I got my V-plates off last year, it wasn’t that big a deal. Ten minutes ‘round the back of a Burger King and that was that.’

  Izzy winced. She hated that story. Alicia had deserved better than Gary Miller. He thought he was so cool because he was two years older and he was on the insurance for his dad’s Mondeo. Izzy had seen him for the loser he was right off. Time had proven her right. He’d told Alicia all kinds of sweet waffle about loving her and she’d let him do it to her standing up in a car park. Then he’d moved onto Lisa Phillips. Alicia said she didn’t care but Izzy hadn’t believed her. But then she’d moved onto Michael Paternick. And then Ryan Goddard. But Gary and the Burger King was her first time. It was a story she’d be stuck with for the rest of her life.

  ‘Look, what if I end up marrying Ben?’ Izzy posited. ‘What’ll we tell the grandkids?’

  ‘You’re gonna tell your grandkids about how you lost your cherry to their grandad?’ asked Alicia. Izzy heard her switching channels in the background.

  Izzy shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But I need to be prepared if they ask.’

  Alicia didn’t say anything for a second and Izzy was left hanging in the silence, wondering if this was the m
oment her best friend would finally decide Izzy Mortimer was too lame to be friends with anymore.

  She’d waited for that day practically since they’d met, at twelve. She’d been sitting at the back of the bus on the way to her first day of comprehensive school, scribbling notes in her pad listing what she wanted to do when school was over. It was a fear-combating tactic. Izzy was scared to death of going to big school. She was already trying to wish herself to the other side.

  And then Alicia had jumped on and walked down the aisle, coming right at her. She looked like she didn’t have a care in the world and why should she? Puberty was clearly giving her no problems, her skin clear and bright, her smile straight, her hair silken and dark. Izzy had been immediately transfixed by the girl. She wondered what it would take to be as effortlessly pretty. For reasons Izzy had never ascertained, Alicia had sat down next to her. ‘Can I sit here?’ she said, already sat and then, ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Umm… It’s a list.’

  Alicia took the pad without asking and began to read. ‘Doctor, astronaut, news reporter. This a life plan?’

  ‘Never too early’ Izzy said, knowing full well how big of a dork she sounded.

  But Alicia smiled. ‘Maybe. I don’t know what I’m going to be. My mum thinks I should be a model. But I don’t know about that.’

  Izzy privately agreed with the assessment that this girl could be professionally looked at. But Izzy’s father always said models were vapid and boring. And this girl wasn’t boring, Izzy knew that in an instant. ‘You could do anything you like’ Izzy told her. ‘But my dad thinks I should think about it now. Not waste time.’

  Alicia gave Izzy her notebook. ‘Well, maybe we’ll both be models. Or both be doctors. Maybe we could do both. Save lives in the day, strut down the catwalk at night’ she said with a smile.

  Izzy was thrilled to have a girl like this putting them in the same category. ‘Yeah. Maybe we will. I’m Isabel, by the way.’

  ‘That’s not right’ Alicia said instantly. ‘I’m gonna call you Izzy.’

  ‘Alright’ Izzy agreed instantly. ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Alicia. Oh, we’re here. See you later’ she said and jumped off the bus. Izzy watched her go and thought. ‘I need to make that girl my friend.’

  And she did, after a fashion. They moved in different circles; Izzy was bookish where Alicia was more about the social side of school. But they still said hello, sat together at lunch sometimes, had the odd after school hangout, talked on the phone occasionally. Izzy wasn’t sure what she brought to the table. Because Alicia was undeniably the cool one in the pair. Izzy felt lucky she’d held onto her this long.

  Now they were eighteen, graduation loomed, and Izzy feared the split was upon them. She was determined to get what time and attention she could from Alicia. Which included running the details of her planned virginity loss by her. Alicia knew about sex, after all.

  ‘Look, you’re putting too much pressure on it. It’s supposed to be fun’ Alicia eventually said.

  Izzy laughed shrilly. ‘No it isn’t! Everyone knows the first time is the one you get out of the way. Remember when Becky Jackson lost hers? She said it was rubbish. Said he was banging at her like she was a nail and he was a hammer. She was just glad when it was over.’

  ‘Becky Jackson’s boyfriend is a bell-end’ came Alicia’s verdict. ‘He’s always spelling boobs on his calculator and laughing like it’s hilarious. Is it really a wonder he wasn’t exactly a sex god?’

  Izzy bit her lip. ‘Do you think Ben’s a sex god? Potentially?’

  There was a pause. ‘I’m sure he’ll do alright.’

  Izzy knew a diplomatic answer when she heard one. She decided not to press it. ‘I just think if it’s not going to be brilliant or anything, it might as well be… Staged correctly.’

  Alicia laughed. ‘You know what? That’s your whole problem. Sex should be spontaneous. Cos, you know, say what you want about Gary, but it was fucking exciting. And vice versa. He knew what he was doing. And he had a really big di-’

  ‘Please do not tell me anything about Gary’s downstairs!’ Izzy yelled, forgetting to keep her voice down. She wasn’t comfortable talking like this. The setting and the timing and all the rest of it, fine. But she didn’t want to hear the gory details of Alicia’s sex life. It made her feel weird.

  ‘Alright, Jane Austen, I won’t say any more about it… Hey, are you coming to Jack’s party on Saturday?’ Alicia asked, thankfully done with the topic of Gary’s manhood.

  ‘I don’t think so’ Izzy replied automatically.

  ‘Come on, Iz. You never go to stuff.’

  ‘That’s because that lot aren’t my crowd. They’re yours’ Izzy replied, her standard response to Alicia making her regular push for Izzy to loosen up. Izzy didn’t know why she bothered.

  The system was established. Alicia was friends with everyone. Izzy was friends with Alicia. Alicia changed boyfriends like she changed her pants. Izzy had Ben, who was good at talking to Izzy’s parents and always got his homework in on time. Alicia got smashed regularly on vodka and detailed her heroic hangovers over morning registration. Izzy liked a good book and an early bedtime.

  Therefore, Izzy didn’t try to stray into Alicia’s world, into booze and snogging and love bites left on necks. It wasn’t for her. But Alicia still made the occasional stab of dragging her down for a good, dirty time. Izzy never broke.

  Although, on occasion, she did wonder about it all. Just a bit.

  ‘I’m gonna do it, you know’ Alicia swore. ‘One of these nights, I’m gonna get you out.’

  ‘Yeah, we’ll see’ Izzy said, pretending to be blasé but secretly pleased Alicia cared to even try.

  ‘When’s the big day, anyway?’ Alicia asked.

  ‘Friday. My parents went to Crete yesterday and Simon’s at a sleepover that night.’ Her parents’ holiday was a relief to everyone. The rowing lately was tough to hear. She wondered if they were having a nice time together in Greece. She doubted it.

  ‘House to yourself? Gonna get good and loud, eh?’ Alicia sniggered.

  Izzy blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. ‘I don’t know, do I? I’ve got no frame of reference.’

  ‘Well, I’ve heard the noise you make when you eat a Mars Bar. If that’s anything to go by, you’re gonna be a moaner.’

  Izzy felt herself break out in an honest to goodness sweat. ‘Alicia!’

  Alicia laughed. ‘Well, the party’s on Saturday. So we could hang out then and you can tell me all the disgusting details.’

  ‘I wouldn’t get your hopes up’ Izzy said. Part of her liked this chase though. She thought that if Alicia ever stopped trying to convince her to go to parties, she’d miss it. It felt nice to be wanted. ‘Anyway, I gotta go, I think I hear my brother breathing on the other side of the door.’

  ‘Little pervert. You know he’s always looking at my tits, don’t you?’

  Izzy did know. But in a way, she couldn’t blame him. They were a nice set, as boobs went. Bigger than Izzy’s and worn with a hell of a lot more confidence, like everything about Alicia. Alicia knew she was good looking. ‘I’m sorry about that. But in his defence, you’re the only girl he knows with a proper pair who isn’t his sister.’

  ‘I don’t care. Just creeps me out.’

  ‘Did you want me to say something?’ Izzy asked, hoping to god Alicia wouldn’t say yes. The thought made her want to vomit.

  ‘No. But maybe you could get him some porn or something.’

  ‘You want me to buy my fourteen-year-old brother… Dirty magazines?’ Izzy asked, knowing Alicia wasn’t being serious.

  ‘If you cared about me, you would’ Alicia said dryly.

  ‘I’ll see what I can do then’ Izzy grinned, getting up off the bed. ‘Alright, gotta go or my dad will moan when he gets the bill. Night.’

  ‘Night.’

  Izzy hung up the phone and crept toward her door. She grabbed the handle and swung it open quickly. If S
imon was on the other side of the door, this was how you caught him. But the doorway was empty. Her secret plans were safe.

  That only left carrying them out.

  Three

  ‘Stupid bloody thing’ Izzy swore. She couldn’t get the damn lighter to stay lit. She didn’t have long, and she still had three other candles to light after this one. It was Simon’s fault. He’d left for his sleepover later than expected and only left Izzy two hours to get ready. And shaving her legs had taken forever. Ordinarily, it wasn’t a big task, but this was the first time she knew the job needed to stand up to close inspection. And it turned out, Izzy’s leg hair had a strange weft. She’d had to run the razor in about eight different directions over her stubbly legs to really get a smooth finish.